


For I Have Sinned

by evieeden



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 23:16:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evieeden/pseuds/evieeden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella makes a decision about her future and the religion which has shaped her past. Femmeslash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For I Have Sinned

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for the Beyond the Pale contest, but unfortunately I didn’t finish it on time. As such, it deals with controversial issues that not everyone will be comfortable with so please exercise caution before reading.
> 
> Thanks to the WC girls who supported me while writing this and to Bob, for being kind enough to beta for me.
> 
> I don’t own Twilight; never have, never will.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you like it.

** For I Have Sinned **

My shoes tapped against the pavement as I walked. The sun was burning hot today, with none of the usual humidity to temper it. My hair was tied back into a bun and I could feel the prickling heat crawling up the back of my neck. I wondered if I would burn; at least if I did I could cover it up easily enough.

My school uniform stuck to my skin and I pulled at the high collar, wondering who had ever thought that such an outfit would ever be appropriate for Floridian weather. A trickle of sweat ran down my spine, leaving shivers down my skin.

I could see the car in the distance as I turned the corner and quickened my pace, nearly tripping over the curb as I did. The thought of air-conditioning inside strangely exciting me. We didn’t have it at home – it was an unnecessary extravagance – yet I couldn’t help my sigh of relief every time I entered a car, store or house that had it.

As I got closer to the idling car, I could only pray that today would be a good day. I hated the bad days, even though I knew I was to blame for them. My hand nervously rose up to grasp at the chain around my neck, a reflexive response to stress. It was a nervous habit I never used to have – just another reminder of my mother’s strange new influence.

Clammy fingers closed around the silver cross at the end of the chain, the points of the crucifix digging into my hand, as the passenger door swung open as if by a ghostly presence. The tinted windows stopped me from seeing inside the vehicle and the gaping door seemed to open up into a darkened world, as black as the stain against my soul would be if I climbed inside it.

Temptation.

I knew all about it – had read countless passages and heard endless sermons. The demon on my back, trying to draw me away from the path of righteousness, away from the light, into the darkness of the cracked leather interior.

“Are you getting in or not?”

The voice pulling me inside wasn’t sickly sweet though; it wasn’t gentle or compelling. Instead it sounded rather annoyed and resigned, yet it compelled me inwards none the less.

The devil came in many forms.

I slid into the car, grimacing as my bare thighs immediately stuck to the seat. My companion shot me a quick glance.

“We going?”

I blushed at the realisation that I hadn’t shut the door yet, leaving it hanging open into the street for any passing vehicle to take off. Grabbing the handle, I tugged sharply, wincing when the door slammed shut loudly.

A blast of cool air hit me as the fan switched on and I let out a sigh as the heat and sweat of the outside evaporated. It simply didn’t exist here – I had sold my soul for air conditioning.

Loose strands of my hair blew in my face and I twisted them back behind my ears. A hand shot out to grab my hand as the car pulled up at a stoplight, fingers roughly grasping mine and flicking at the silver ring I wore, before pulling away abruptly.

“So, where is dear old Eddie this afternoon?”

I didn’t mind her bitterness, I deserved it after all, but I hated it when she turned it upon others.

“Stop it, Leah.”

I met her gaze steadily, for once not too ashamed in her presence to meet her knowing eyes.

“You know he’s my friend, and if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t even be able to be here.”

To my surprise she dropped her eyes first. “I know. It’s just frustrating, is all.”

“It is,” I agreed.

The light turned green and Leah returned her attention to the road in front of her; traffic was heavy at this time of day, especially along the highway. We sat in silence for several minutes, but I felt the urge to break it, wanting to make sure that she wasn’t mad at me.

“Edward’s good. He’s out with Jasper tonight. They’re looking forward to moving in together at college, so I think they’re beginning to hoard furniture.” I turned to face her, trying to untangle my legs from the folds of my pleated skirt and envying Leah her casual shorts and strappy top. I remembered a time when outfits like that had been the norm for me, but shook the memory away; it wouldn’t do any good now. “I think they’re nesting.”

I got a reaction to that, her mouth curling up into a smile before an unladylike sound escaped her. My mouth dropped and I began giggling.

“Did you just snort?” I could barely get the words out through my laughter.

“No,” she immediately denied, but a wide grin spread across her face.

My laughter carried us all the way to the front of her house, a small bungalow set back from the road in a quiet neighbourhood. A bike lay discarded in the front garden, its front wheel bent at an awkward angle. It had been there as long as I could remember, the garden growing around it; I had never worked out why it hadn’t been moved, but after a while I didn’t want it to go anywhere. It looked right there, broken and busted and tangled up in weeds, like it belonged.

We got out of the car and Leah made her way around to my side, stepping forward and backing me against the metal framework. Her warm hands threaded themselves around my waist and my own slid up to latch around her neck, my fingers gently stroking her nape.

Leaning forward, her body pressed against me and her lips gently captured mine. I let out a small, embarrassing moan and Leah pulled back slightly, his mouth quirking upwards in a smile. I closed my eyes as she continued to gently brush her lips against my own, softly, so softly.

After a minute of teasing, I gave into my urges and clasped the back of her head more firmly, sucking on her bottom lip. Her mouth opened on a sigh and I pushed my tongue into her mouth, tracing along the edges of her teeth. Her own tongue pushed back and they entwined briefly before she sucked mine back into her mouth.

Her hands began to wander as we kissed, sliding across my back, grazing my sides and sending me squirming as it tickled. One of her hands gripped at my hip, the other gliding upwards towards my...

“Woooooooo! Lick her pussy! Get a room and let me join you!”

We broke apart at the shouting, turning to glare at the stupid boy yelling at us. Well, I tried to glare, but I think I just looked scared. Leah, on the other hand, looked like she could set fire to the idiot where he stood with her eyes.

“Dude, that’s my sister. You can’t say shit like that.” I recognised the gangly boy standing next to the shouter.

“Hey Seth.”

“How are you doing, Bella?” He seemed relieved that I was actually talking to him and not giving him a death glare like his sister.

The shouter decided to speak up. “It may be your sister, but you can’t blame the rest of us for wanting to be the meat in that sandwich.”

I grimaced at the coarse language, all of my confidence draining away. Every single word this stupid boy said was drilling it into me that this was wrong, that it was unnatural, that I should not be stood here making out with my girlfriend...

...that I shouldn’t even have a girlfriend in the first place.

“I mean, watching two lesbos hook up is hot, man.”

My hands loosened their grip around Leah’s neck and dropped down limply to my sides. Leah gave me a hurt glance before she backed away from me, recognising my discomfort.

“Hey, Seth, you wanna tell your friend to watch his mouth unless he wants to be in serious pain.”

She wasn’t joking either; I’d seen Leah take the baseball bat she kept in the trunk of her car to some random guy’s knees once, after he tried to hit on me, saying that he was sure it would only take the right man to show me what I’d been missing, messing around with girls.

She had been furious then. She was furious now.

She made it three steps towards the road before I managed to grab her arm and stop her.

“Don’t, Leah, no. You’ll only make it worse.”

She wavered in her resolution for a moment before conceding.

“Get him out of here, Seth.”

She wrapped an arm around my waist, guiding me towards the house and ignoring my flinch at the obvious display of affection. My hand trailed upwards to wrap around my cross again. The feel of it simultaneously comforting and upsetting me.

_This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong._

“Oh give it a rest, Bella,” she snarled at me, and I blushed when I realised that I must have been muttering that quietly out loud and not just in my head.

“I’m sorry.”

“And stop apologising.” She swore under her breath. “You’re always apologising. That fucking mother of yours.”

I felt the need to stand up for my mom, Renee. “It’s got nothing to do with her.”

Leah stopped and turned to me, letting me feel the full force of her glare. “It’s got everything to do with her, Bella. Stop making excuses.”

I frowned, feeling the old familiar tears of frustration rising. “Can we please not argue?”

Leah huffed, but then nodded in assent. “Come on, let’s go see Mom.”

I brightened up at this; Leah’s mom, Sue, was awesome, more so since the death of her husband two years ago. I had first met the family on one of my rare trips to see my father, Charlie, in Forks, before my mom had cut him out of my life when I was fifteen, stating that I was allowed too hedonistic a lifestyle while I was down there and she didn’t want me put in the devil’s path.

Renee was a good mother, or at least she tried. Up until she met Phil, she had been relatively easygoing, a bit scatterbrained, but she loved me and I accepted her foibles, watching indulgently as she raced from one new obsession to the next.

Then she met her new husband and that was when everything changed. Phil was a born-again Christian and, before long, so was Renee. We moved to Florida and all of a sudden I was attending an all-girls’ Christian academy and dressing modestly to hide the shame of my body from the eyes of others. As a twelve year-old, I had thrown myself into this new lifestyle, glad that my mother had finally settled down and willing to do anything to make her happy.

Before I knew it, I was reciting from scripture, attending Bible study and listening to lectures on the evils of pre-marital relations and the wickedness that boys would indulge in if you enticed them.

All the other girls had laughed at this, giggling and whispering behind their hands. I didn’t get what the big deal was; boys didn’t really appeal to me and I shuddered at locker room talk of stolen kisses under the bleachers of the all-boys’ school two blocks away. It wasn’t until I was visiting Forks that I realised what the problem was.

Charlie was friends with a lot of the families down at the La Push reservation, one of which was the Clearwaters – Harry, Sue and their children Leah and Seth. As a result, I got dragged down there while Charlie went fishing; he seemed unsure what of to make of the new Bella and thought that I was missing female company. So one time when he went out with Harry, I was left with Sue.

Sue was gentle and kind; she taught me how to cook and she chided me with good humour whenever I got too serious – which back then was all the time. I loved the fact that she never criticised me, just showed me where I had gone wrong and how to put it right. That kind of attitude came as quite a shock in comparison with what we were taught at school and what I experienced at home.

Not every problem could be worked out though. Not everything could be fixed.

My feelings, which emerged that summer, couldn’t be fixed. They were inside me now and would never come out.

I had been helping Sue to make a pot roast when I had first seen Leah. She had driven up in a rackety old car, the same one she still had now, and leapt out of the driver’s seat, running around the hood to open the passenger door and let another tall, Native American girl out of the vehicle. She had then proceeded to tug the girl towards her and begin an intense make out session with her, which left me bright red and unsure where to look.

As well as my embarrassment though, there was a twinge of something else. My stomach clenched and I felt myself getting breathless. Of course, that happened to be the moment that Sue walked back into the kitchen.

“What are you looking at?”

I jumped at the sound of her voice. “Ummm, nothing. Just...um, your daughter and her...,” I wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Her...um....”

“Leah’s back.” Sue graciously chose to ignore my stammering and leaned forward to peer out onto the drive. “Oh, honestly.” She scowled, but it was more resigned than angry. “Does she have to put on a display for the neighbours?”

“Oh.” I was unable to comprehend what was going on. “Is she putting on an act?”

“Well, she’s certainly making a spectacle of herself, but aside from that, no. Leah’s gay. That’s her girlfriend, Emily.”

“Oh.” I nodded like I knew what she was talking about, but my mind was spinning with this new information.

Gay. I had heard whispers of such things.

_Homosexuals_.

They were forbidden – heathens, all of them, according to Renee. Yet I knew that before Phil came along, she had been friends with Terry and Mark, who lived together across the road, kissed each other frequently and only shared one bedroom.

But according to my mother, the devil was inside them, making them unnatural, making men love men and women love women. God did not bless those who subverted the natural order; they were caste out - shunned, shamed and barred from heaven.

Sue was still chattering away obliviously. “And look, now comes old Quil Ateara.”

I looked up to see an old man wearing a baseball cap totter out of his house opposite the Clearwaters’. His cane was waving in the air as he ranted incoherently at the two girls, who just laughed and then retreated inside and clattered along the hall to the bedroom.

It was a shocking encounter for me.

From that moment on it became an obsession for me. Every time I saw Leah and Emily, I took the opportunity to spy on them - watching as they held hands, as they laughed and teased each other. As they kissed.

I couldn’t even speak around Leah most of the time, blushing uncontrollably and muttering my responses whenever she addressed me. She intimidated me, despite only being a year older, and I didn’t want her to see me for the silly, naive girl I was. My admiration for her was growing every day.

It wasn’t until one night, when the clenching in my stomach got too bad to ignore, that I acted upon that fascination. My hand had crept over my wet centre and I stifled a groan at the pleasurable feeling that my touch inspired. I knew that what I was doing was wrong; I had been lectured on the dangers of the pleasure of the flesh.

Something inside me didn’t want to stop though, and as I continued to touch myself, my hand became Leah’s in my imagination. Then she was the one who was touching me and the most glorious sensation swept over me, a tingling beginning in my centre and spreading out over my skin until I felt like I was glowing. I laughed, amazed by how _good_ I felt.

Then the shame came.

The impurity of my actions hit me like a bolt and I immediately jumped off my bed and practically sprinted to the bathroom.

I was dirty. I was unclean.

I turned the water in the shower up as hot as it would go and jumped in, hissing as it scalded me. Grabbing a washcloth, I began to scrub at my skin, trying to wipe my indiscretion off my body, scouring my pleasure off me and leaving only pain and humiliation in its wake.

Charlie and I went over to the Clearwaters’ one last time, to have dinner the next day.

Unlike usual, I chose to sit in the living room with my dad, Harry and Seth, watching the game, rather than be in the kitchen helping to make dinner. Leah was in there too, and I wanted to avoid her as much as possible. Instead I sat huddled in an armchair, knees drawn up to my chest, baggy sweats hiding my burnt skin. I was going to pay for that hot shower and it was all I deserved.

It was a quiet dinner, Sue being unable to draw me out of my shell like she normally could. Leah too was paying a strange amount of attention to me. She was noticeably quieter as well, not chattering about her and Emily like normal.

It was a very uncomfortable meal to sit and eat.

After we had eaten, the boys disappeared back to the game and Sue stopped me from following them.

“Bella, may I speak with you?”

I nodded wordlessly and followed her out to the porch. When we got there, we both sat down and I stared at my feet, rather than meeting her gaze.

“Bella, I know you’re leaving soon and you haven’t been here very long, but I feel like we’ve grown close over the last few weeks and I want you to know that if there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.”

I met her eyes for the first time that evening and tried to smile. “I’m fine.”

“Are you?” The question was asked perfectly evenly, but it cracked my fragile composure.

“No,” I sobbed. “I’m bad. I’m going to hell, I’m so wicked.”

Sue immediately gathered me up in a hug as I cried uncontrollably. She didn’t try to make me talk, didn’t tell me to stop crying, she just rocked me, running a soothing hand up and down my back and murmuring quietly.

“You’re not bad, Bella. “You’re not going to hell. You’re a good person, Bella. You’re a good person.”

Eventually I was all cried out and had the beginning of a tension headache aching at my temples. Sitting upright, I tried to wipe away the evidence of my crying, sniffling pathetically. Sue managed to produce a tissue out of nowhere and I accepted it gratefully.

Sue’s hand continued to run over my back.

“Bella, why do you think you’re wicked?”

I looked away, ashamed, but Sue gently grasped my chin and brought my face around once more.

“Bella?”

I couldn’t see any way of getting out of telling her, especially given how much I had already blurted out inadvertently.

“I’ve been having impure thoughts.”

“Oh.” Sue looked taken aback by my confession. My eyes returned to my feet, only looking up again when she cleared her throat.

“Bella, unless you’re thinking about committing a crime or something, there is no such thing as an impure thought.”

“But I....”

“Bella, if you’re talking about what you seem to be, then I can reassure you that at your age it’s natural – healthy even – to start thinking about sex and your body. There’s nothing wrong with it; everybody does it.”

“It’s dirty though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that.”

“Bella, you’re a teenager, of course you should be thinking like that.” Sue’s voice was full of wry amusement.

I began to get upset again, knowing that it wasn’t just thoughts of sexual intimacy that were tainting my soul; I also knew though, that unless I told Sue everything, she wouldn’t be able to begin to understand.

“It wasn’t...” The words choked in my throat and I coughed pathetically in an attempt to loosen them. “Sexual intercourse isn’t the problem though – I know that it’s prohibited until after marriage and I should try not to provoke men in the meantime, into lustful behaviour that I know they can’t help.”

Sue looked disturbed by this notion and opened her mouth to reply, but I cut her off, needing to get everything out before I lost my nerve.

“I know all this, but when I thought of such things, it wasn’t...” I paused to gasp in lungfuls of air. “It wasn’t me and a boy I was thinking about.”

There. I had said it. Now someone else knew about my shameful desires; I could only hope that I would now be forgiven for my sins, that Sue would know what it was I could do to fix me.

“Oh Bella.” She hugged me to her side. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know.”

I jerked out of her grip. “Of course it’s something to be ashamed of,” I practically shouted. “Homosexuality’s a sin. People like that have no chance of salvation,” I repeated the phrases that had been drilled into me blindly.

I jerked upright and jumped off the porch, striding back and forth.

“I can’t....This isn’t even... It’s not right.” I spun around to face Sue pleadingly. “It just can’t be right.”

“Bella, what do you think of Leah?”

“What?” My mouth dropped at this new line of questioning.

Sue continued to sit there calmly.

“What do you think of Leah? Do you think she’s wicked?”

“What?! No, of course not.” Leah was lovely - even though we weren’t friends, she had always been nice to me.

Sue was smiling slightly. “Do you think she’s evil and going to hell?”

“No, she’s amazing,” I breathed, then blushed when I realised how...girly...I sounded – how pathetic and dumbstruck.

“Bella, please don’t be ashamed. Come here.” She held her hands out and I went into them willingly. She gathered me into her arms and began gently rocking me. My tears were back again, silently streaming down my face.

“You’re not evil or wicked or anything else like that. You’re a good person, regardless of who you’re attracted to.”

Sue paused and considered her next words to me. “Leah’s sixteen. She’s been out for about three years now.”

“Out?”

“Telling people that she’s a lesbian. She knew before that that she liked girls better than boys; she had a crush on her substitute teacher,” Sue reminisced. “And the school had just given them a lesson in sex education. She came to me and asked me, so straightforwardly, why she had to worry about any of the stuff they had taught them about sex and condoms when she wasn’t going to marry a boy, she was going to marry Miss Wilkes.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be accepting or horrified by this new information I was being given; my tiny world seemed to expanding so rapidly that I didn’t have a clue what to do. So I just sat there, red-faced, in horrified rapture, listening to the tale she spun.

“It’s not wicked to care about someone, Bella, or to love someone, no matter whether they’re a boy or a girl. I’m not saying it’s easy or that people won’t judge you, because they will. But I refuse to believe that my daughter is bad or wicked or dirty for feeling the way she does. It’s who she is; she can’t help that.”

I drew back to look at Sue properly, wanting to see her face. She cupped my face between her hands, wiping my tears away with her thumbs.

“There is no God in this world, who would deny the need to love others, regardless of what gender they are. There is no God who could hate anyone that they or he created that much. My Gods have given me a healthy, loving daughter and anyone who says that there is something wrong with her is the one who has something wrong with them. A true God would never turn their back on someone just because they can’t help who they love.”

“That’s not what I’ve been taught.”

“Bella, why would God create you in his image and tell you to love your fellow man, only to abandon you if you demonstrate the wrong kind of love?”

I shook my head. There was too much to think about, too much to take in.

Sue seemed to recognise this and she didn’t push me any further. “Just remember, Bella, that if your God is as great and good and caring and merciful as you’re taught, then there’s no way he could ever not love you. No matter what.”

Sue’s words stuck with me though, for the next day and when I went home. Was it possible that Renee and my school were wrong? I tried to remember back to before Phil had come into our lives, when it was just me and my mom. Back then there had been no rules and no sins; we had done things that our church condemned in the Sunday sermon, but we weren’t punished for it and I didn’t feel that we were bad people because of it.

So, if I wasn’t the problems, or my emerging...proclivities, then it must be the church that had made a mistake and got it wrong. I thought of Leah, of how she looked and the way she acted. I thought of how she made me feel without even realising it.

No. There was no doubt in my mind that she was a child of God and that he loved her. There was no way that she could ever be sacrificed to the burning pits of hell, simply for loving women instead of men.

The cracks in my conviction, that had formed when I had spoken with Sue, began to widen and then split completely open when Renee told me that I could no longer visit my father. I think Sue must have said something to my father, because after a phone call from him, Renee decided that Forks was not the kind of place she wanted me to visit in the future. According to her, the area was ripe with corruption and the people, including my father, were a bad influence.

I had cried at her pronouncement, but at fifteen, with Renee my primary custodian, there wasn’t really a lot I could do about it. I still talked to Charlie though, something which made my mother grit her teeth - she always managed to cut our conversations short.

I don’t think she had ever counted on Forks’ Godless people moving to Florida though.

After Harry had a heart attack, his family doctor had recommended moving to warmer climes to improve his health, and a twist of fate placed the Clearwaters two neighbourhoods over from us.

I had taken it upon myself to make them welcome in Florida, meeting up with Sue and Leah frequently, until one occasion where I had invited Renee and Phil along too to meet the family. It had seemed to go well initially, until Phil had asked if Leah or Seth had any boyfriends or girlfriends.

Seth had guilelessly replied, “No, not yet for me, and Leah broke up with her girlfriend before we moved out here.” He then proceeded to obliviously take a massive bite out of his sandwich, while everyone else watched as my parents stiffened, their faces falling into their sympathetic, yet disapproving, masks.

We didn’t stay long after that, and that evening Phil told me that he didn’t think it was appropriate for me to spend so much time with the Clearwaters, a point that was soundly made when our local pastor came to visit the school and gave a lecture on the evils of homosexuality. Sat at the front of the assembly, I could feel his eyes boring into me with every word.

Being gay was wrong. It was a sin. There was a demon within me that would need to be purged. My soul needed to be cleansed.

I had gone home afterwards and numbly phoned the Clearwaters. In a blank voice, I had informed Leah, who had picked up, that I thought it best that I didn’t come around anymore. I hung up the phone straight away afterwards, cutting off her protests.

I didn’t feel better though. I didn’t feel like God loved me more because of the decision I had made. I just felt empty and upset.

My thoughts didn’t go away and neither did my dreams. My fantasies were the one thing I had no control over, and I still couldn’t shake off my curiosity and lust for other girls...and Leah.

Especially Leah.

I couldn’t say anything though, couldn’t act upon the feelings I was having. I shouldn’t even be thinking them, but at least no-one but Sue knew about my immoral proclivities. I trusted her to keep my secret.

It had all changed just under a year later though, when Harry had a second heart attack, this one fatal. Charlie told me about it during one of our phone calls and I couldn’t help but go to the Clearwaters to offer my condolences.

Leah was the only one in the house when I got there though; her grief seemed to make her even more beautiful.

Three hours later I had left the house and stumbled home, my knees shaking. I couldn’t help it, couldn’t deny it to myself anymore. I was gay and Leah was a goddess. She was the corrupting idol that I now bowed before and I worshipped her.

She made me feel whole in a way that I never had before. It was a heady, intoxicating feeling.

Only now my life was full of deceit. I was having to lie to everyone. The only people I didn’t lie to everyday were the Clearwaters and Edward and Jasper. They were the only people who understood.

The most shocking realisation to come out of this for me was that I could no longer rely on my mother. I was no longer her priority – God was – and that knowledge often sent shivers down my spine.

It was hard though to let everything I’d known since I was twelve go. Sometimes I just couldn’t stop the guilt that rose up within me; sometimes I couldn’t not listen to that little voice in my head that told me that there was something wrong with me.

“Hey.” Leah tugged lightly on my hand, bringing me out of my memories. “You just stopped still all of a sudden. What were you thinking about?”

I dredged up a smile from somewhere, but I could tell that Leah was unconvinced by my display of happiness; a tiny frown line had appeared between her brows.

“I was just remembering meeting your mom for the first time and how kind she was to me.”

Leah’s face brightened. “Yeah, she’s awesome. She moving back, you know, her and Seth, when we go to college.”

Leah and I were both going to the University of Washington next year for college. I had managed to get a full scholarship, while Leah had a deferred partial scholarship from last year. She had taken a year out, working to earn money to pay for the rest of her tuition. At the time I had told her that she could always work part-time while she was at college, that she didn’t need to take a whole year out just to earn money. Her reply had been that it wasn’t just work and money she was worried about; she didn’t want to leave me “at the mercy of your mother and those crazy fucks at that school of yours.”

In hindsight, I was glad that she hadn’t left me. I think I would have gone mad here without her.

“Moving back where?” This was the first I had heard of Sue and Seth leaving Florida.

“Back to La Push.  Mom and Dad never sold the house there, it’s been in our family for generations, so this one,” she gestured, “is only rented. With me back in Washington and Dad gone, there’s really no reason for any of us to stay here.”

I thought about it. “Surely then you could have left over a year ago?”

Leah tugged me to her and wrapped her arms around my waist. “We weren’t about to leave you here alone, Bella.”

I felt strangely choked up. “You stayed for me?” My voice wavered as I spoke.

“Of course.” Leah spoke as if it was obvious. “You’re part of the family; Mom and Seth love you...and so do I.”

My face broke into a wide smile. “You love me?”

Leah rolled her eyes at me. “Do you really think I would put up with you if I didn’t?”

I continued to beam at her and she pulled a face before pecking me on the lips and grinning too.

“Come on, let’s go see Mom. She’s probably wondering why we’re hanging around outside.”

Giving me one last, quick kiss, she pulled away, taking my hand again and leading me up the porch steps.

Just as she was pushing the door open, I stopped her, squeezing her hand to get her attention. “Leah, you know I love you too, don’t you? I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but I really do.”

Leah scrutinized my face for a second before answering. “I know,” she said simply, before opening the door and gesturing for me to go in first. I kissed her cheek as I walked past her.

Sue was in the kitchen when we got there, stirring something that smelt really good in a large clay pot on the stove.

“Hi girls.” She briefly left her cooking to come and give me a hug. “Hi Bella.”

“Hi,” I mumbled back. “Something smells good.”

“I thought I’d make you lot dinner before I go out tonight.”

“Do you have work?” Leah asked, poking the food with a fork.

“Yes, I’ve got the late shift this week. Jean’s got her daughter down from Illinois, so I said I’d cover for her.”

Sue grabbed a couple of plates and began dishing what turned out to be chilli into some dishes. “There’s no point in waiting for Seth to come in; he’s too busy running around somewhere.”

“Being a dick,” Leah muttered.

“Hmmm?”

“We had a run in with him and one of his _friends_ ,” Leah explained. “I’ll be happy when he gets back to Forks. At least I know his friends down there are harmless, even if they are a stupid bunch.”

Sue hummed noncommittally again before digging into her food; I took my place at the table and followed her example.

“So, Bella, are you looking forward to graduation tomorrow?”

“You’re graduating tomorrow?” Leah’s head shot up and her fork paused halfway towards her mouth.

I looked at her quizzically. “I told you that ages ago.”

“Oh.” She stared at her food blindly. “I didn’t realise it was so soon.”

She went back to eating and I studied her face, trying to work out what she was thinking. It was useless of course, I was terrible at reading people’s faces.

Sue and I continued to chat aimlessly throughout the meal, but Leah remained quiet. It was only when her mother left, with a reminder to make sure that her brother ate, that she seemed to regain some of her normal attitude.

As I washed up, Leah’s hands slid over my sides and came to rest upon my stomach. Her touch was both soothing and exciting in its familiarity and I felt a familiar low-down clench. Her chin was propped upon my shoulder and she pressed her body against my back. I relaxed back into her touch and she placed a soft kiss against the side of my neck in reward.

It had taken months for me to be comfortable with her touch and even now I occasionally tensed up, as my mind fought against my heart.

“Come to my room with me,” she whispered, and I dropped a plate back into the sink as I followed her, unable to help myself – a lamb being led willingly to the slaughter.

When we got to the top of the stairs I took the lead, walking confidently into the bedroom and sitting down on the edge of the bed. Leah crawled up onto the mattress next to me, lying on her side, one arm propping her head up.

Laying backwards, I shuffled upwards so only my feet were hanging over the edge. Leah lowered her head onto my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around her, one hand coming up to stroke her hair. She’d cut it last year, in a fit of rebellion, and was trying to grow it out again. At the moment it came to just below her chin and I loved that I could tangle my fingers in it, now that it was a bit longer. I adored moments like this, when I could feel like the strong one in the relationship and not like the girl who was constantly dragging Leah down with her insecurities and issues.

I liked to feel needed sometimes; it made me feel more like Leah’s equal.

Her palm rested against my side, I could feel the warm of it through my shirt.

“I’m glad your Mom and Seth are moving back to Washington with us,” I thought aloud, before pausing. “Do you think that when we visit her in La Push, we’ll be able to maybe visit Charlie too? I haven’t seen him in so long.”

“Of course we’ll visit him.” I could feel the vibrations of Leah’s voice through her chest, pressed against mine. “There’ll be no reason not to.”

“It’ll be nice to see him again.” It was the first time I had voiced my sorrow out loud. I wouldn’t dare to mention missing Charlie in front of Renee, she had made her feelings on that matter clear to me over the years.

 We lay quietly as the sky outside got darker; it was still fairly light outside, but the sky was beginning to turn a burnished red, setting the room aglow.

Leah’s hand slid over my stomach and her fingers began to work quickly over the buttons of my shirt, popping them open with ease. I lay there contently and let her do what she wanted with me.

Once my shirt was unbuttoned, I pushed her lightly, rolling her off my shoulder and sitting up. I shrugged my shirt off and unhooked my bra, lying back down again once my clothes were discarded.

Leah rolled over once again and took my breast in her mouth, laving my nipple with her tongue. I whined in the back of my throat, my hands coming up to grip the back of her head, holding her to me. One of her hands came up to tease my other breast and I threw my head back. Leah immediately took advantage, suctioning her mouth to my neck, licking and sucking hard enough to tantalise me, but careful enough to not leave a mark.

She had given me a hickey once, and Edward and I had had to endure a lecture from both sets of parents, sat side by side on the sofa, facing up to the disappointment that we would always be to our parents. That was the day that we had both donned purity rings – a hollow gesture to satisfy our families. I knew it wasn’t a gesture either of us would respect; I had gone back to Leah, and within two days of sliding it onto his finger, Edward had lost his virginity to Jasper.

Her lips travelled over the hollow at the base of my neck and then stopped when they met my crucifix necklace.

Gasping in shock, I pushed her backwards, less gently than last time, and scrambled to take off the evidence of my abandoned faith.

“No.” Leah grasped my hand, stalling my movements. A slow, wicked smile curled her lips up. “Leave it on.”

I stared at her, torn between feeling incredibly wicked and incredibly aroused. As with all sins, lust won out.

I pounced on Leah, sending her flying backwards, bouncing as she hit the mattress. I followed her down, my lips blindly seeking hers and then capturing them in a rough kiss. My hands worked feverishly over her body, with more enthusiasm than skill. I grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and broke away to quickly whip it over her head; her bra followed shortly. I pushed my mouth back to hers, my hands keeping my whole weight from resting on top of her. Her fingers worked agilely over my hair, freeing it of the pins and elastics and then tugging it sharply when it was finally free and flowing around us.

I pulled back to look at her; my hair had fallen around our faces, cocooning them in a darkened bubble. It felt more intimate in the shadows created and that gave me courage. Keeping myself propped up on one forearm, I cupped Leah’s cheek and kissed her more gently this time. I then slid my free hand down her throat, sweeping over her chest where she arched into my touch and then ran it down her stomach.

Leah froze with her lips a hair’s breadth from mine. She was right to be shocked; I had never initiated sexual contact with her first before. It was the worst time to blush ever, but I felt the familiar heat creep up my chest and over my face.

Despite my embarrassment, my fumbling fingers managed to undo the top button of Leah’s shorts and slide the zip down. I pushed downwards at the waistband and she obliged me, lifting her hips so that she could wriggle the material down and off her legs. That was where my courage deserted me.

I had never undressed Leah before, she normally just took her clothes off herself and then undressed me. This mutual give and take was new.

“Bella.” Her voice brought me back to myself. “Just relax.”

I took a deep breath and kissed her, my hand sliding under the elastic of her panties and then pushed in the same direction as her shorts. They only got halfway down her legs when I slid my hand over her wet centre. She immediately broke the kiss, throwing her head back as she panted.

This was me. I had done this to her. I smiled as her watched her.

My hand continued to move over her, tracing over the path she had taught me months ago. I had diligently learned where to touch, what felt good to her, where to be rough and where to be gentle. I knew when to plunge my fingers into her and when to raise my thumb to rub over the small raised circle of flesh that I knew would feel better than anything.

“Bella,” she gasped. Her hands scrabbled over the bare skin of my back, her nails digging in and stinging my senses. “That’s so...You’re so...” She gave up trying to talk and gave in to the pleasure I was giving her, her moans and whimpers echoing throughout the room.

I curled my fingers up one last time and Leah broke. A stream of gibberish left her mouth, mixed with calls to God that I didn’t entirely approve of.

I stroked her damp hair off her glowing face. I loved moments like this – when she was coming down from the high of her lust. She was warm and soft and utterly beautiful to me in that moment.

Angelic.

I shifted my weight over to the side - my arm was getting tired from supporting my weight. Lying down next to her, I idly ran a soothing hand over her glistening copper skin. My fingers spending the longest time tracing the soft curves of her stomach – my favourite part of her body.

Leah didn’t rest for long though; it was only after we were both satisfied that she ever let herself fully rest.

Pushing my shoulder, so I was flat on my back, she kissed me again, before her lips travelled lightly over my face, her mouth gently pursing against each of my shut eyelids.

Then as gentle as she had been, her mood suddenly switched. She slid down my body, taking my skirt and panties with her. Kneeling on the floor, where I couldn’t see her, Leah peeled off my socks, my shoes having been already abandoned at the door, and then ran her hands up my calves, tickling the back of my knees. I squirmed at the sensation – the backs of my knees were a highly sensitive spot for me, something she had been delighted to find out.

Her wayward fingers continued up my legs, brushing against the inside of my thighs. Leah watched her hands as they covered my skin, seemingly mesmerised by her hands’ movements.

“Slide up, Bella,” she whispered.

I obeyed her instantly, hypnotised by the look on her face.

Placing her hands flat on the mattress, Leah lifted herself back onto the bed, crawling up predatorily. Placing each hand carefully flat on each knee, she slowly pushed my legs open and I squirmed again, this time from embarrassment.

Keeping her hands on my legs, Leah leaned and pressed a kiss on my lower stomach, just above the curls that marked my sex. Sucking the skin into her mouth, she bit down and then grinned, flashing her teeth at me. My head dropped back down onto the bed, my neck unable to support it anymore. My body began to inadvertently wriggle and I felt her begin to suck. When she raised herself up again a black stain marked the area where her mouth had been.

Then she moved lower.

Leah had been a consummate teacher – lecturing me on how to play her body and how to bring her to climax. But she had also been a student herself - finding the extra sensitive points in my body, working out what made me tremble, what made me writhe. As good as it felt to have her fingers pleasure me, what she could do with her tongue was indescribable.

My legs had tensed around her shoulders and the shaking had begun.

My hands ran over the sheets, trying to find purchase. My hips began to move, trying to push myself closer to her mouth. Then her tongue hit that spot, that spot that never failed to make me squeal, and I stayed true to form.

“Leah....Leah....oh gosh...please don’t....I can’t...”

He tongue lashed out over and over and over. And then...

Warmth spread up out of my centre, gaining momentum as it rocketed up my body and then I could hear it. A voice was calling out, praying and crying, a long, high-pitched wail.

It took me a while to work out that it was me.

This was what they had hid from us at school; this was what my mother had held back from me.

It was a complete loss of yourself. You couldn’t think, couldn’t move and you certainly didn’t belong to God anymore. At that point - that blissful, almost painfully ecstatic point - I belonged to Leah, totally and utterly. She was the only focal point in my existence and I worshipped at her feet, shunning everyone else.

My chest was heaving as I fought to inhale and I felt the tears begin to form at the corners of my eyes. I just felt too wonderful and too amazing to bear. I loved Leah in that moment too much to keep it inside and the moisture in my eyes overflowed, running over my cheeks and disappearing into the covers beneath me.

Leah settled beside me, softly wiping away my tears. I curled my body into hers, wanting to be close, wanting to have that feeling last forever...or at least for as long as possible.

The red glow from earlier faded, leaving a midnight blue in its wake.

“Bella?” Leah began, her voice uncertain for once.

“Yes?”

She stayed silent, her hands running soothingly over me. Sliding down my arm, her fingers twisted the promise ring I wore.

“When’s Edward telling his parents?”

My eyes, which had closed with relaxation, blinked open. “Tomorrow. After graduation.” I mapped a pattern out of tiny blemishes that marred her skin, rubbing myself against her in satisfaction, like a well-pleased kitten. “He’s been slowly moving his stuff out of his house for weeks now and he and Jasper already have a flat rented for them in Chicago. They’re flying out at the weekend.”

“Must be nice,” Leah murmured.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “He’s lucky.”

“When are you telling your mother?”

I stiffened in Leah’s arms. “You promised you wouldn’t push.”

She glared at me, all of my comfort gone. “I promised that over a year and a half ago, Bella. You can’t expect me to wait forever for you to grow some balls.”

I sat upright, but the position immediately made me feel exposed... _dirty_ , my mind whispered to me. I practically fell off the bed, lunging for my abandoned underwear. I pulled it on, grimacing at the feel of my damp panties. Leah lay uncovered on the bed, watching me as scurried about.

I grabbed my shirt, almost tearing it as I shoved my arms through the sleeves. It took me three tries to get the buttons done up correctly.

“Bella...” Leah was now following my example as I yanked my skirt up and attempted to turn my sock the right way out at the same time.

“Bella,” she tried again, grabbing my arm to halt my frantic movements. “Please, stop. I’m sorry, it’s just you know how long I’ve waited for this; I just don’t want your mother and her crackpots at that fucking church to screw it up for us any longer.”

“I want to go home.” I was running on blind panic now.

“Bella,” Leah tried again.

“Please, Leah, I want to go home.”

She stared at me for a moment and I fought the urge to hide my face from her.

“Ok. Get your shoes and I’ll take you home.”

We left the house silently, just as Seth was arriving. I didn’t bother to talk to him as I rushed out into the cool night air, but I could hear Leah yelling at him to eat some dinner and then get on with his homework.

I was already seated in the car by the time she reached me, trying to push my now-wild hair back out of my face. I’d forgotten to pick up my hair ties when I left and I didn’t have the heart to go and retrieve them now.

Leah drove me home without saying a word, her jaw clenching every now and again, and I knew she was biting her tongue, trying not to just let loose like I knew she wanted to. Eventually we pulled up two streets away from my house – any closer and Renee, or one of our neighbours who belonged to the same congregation, might notice.

I didn’t make any move to get out and Leah switched the engine off.

“I’m sorry,” I offered.

Leah turned to face me and I was struck by the sheer resignation present in her eyes as she looked at me. “I know.”

“I don’t mean to keep disappointing you.”

She heaved out a sigh. “I know you don’t, Bella.” She thought for a second before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t understand what it’s like or what’s going on. I do. But I’d just like a date, some definite time when we’ll be free to go about as we wish, without all this secrecy. You won’t be able to use Edward as an excuse anymore after tomorrow,” she warned.

I hadn’t even thought about that.

“And after tomorrow, we’ve got the entire summer in front of us before we move back to Washington, and I just... I just don’t want to wait that long.”

The heartbreak in her voice made up my mind for me. I didn’t want to wait either; the thought of going the whole summer without seeing Leah was just intolerable to me.

“Two weeks.” I was amazed by how calm and determined I sounded.

“What?” Leah’s eyes widened.

“Give me two weeks to get my stuff together and...tell my mother.” My voice wavered at the last point, but I was resolved.

“Bella, just because I’m pitching a fit right now, doesn’t mean you have to feel pressured into this.” Inwardly, I smiled at the concern in her tone – she cared for me, I hugged myself.

“No, I don’t. Feel pressured, I mean. I want to do this.”

“Really?” Leah asked with growing excitement.

I took another deep breath. “Really.”

“Two weeks?”

“Two weeks,” I confirmed.

She reached out to kiss me, but when we tried to get closer to each other, we burst out laughing into each other’s mouths as our seatbelts stopped us.

“Two weeks,” Leah said happily as I gathered up my bag and books.

I leaned sideways to give her one last lingering kiss. “Two weeks.”

Just before I shut the door, I heard her yell, “Bye, Gorgeous,” at me and I laughed as I blew a kiss towards her.

I felt on top of the world as I walked the two streets home. Making a decision in this case truly was freeing and I felt like I could take anything and anyone one.

I stopped dead as I thought that. I could take anyone on right now... even my mother. The idea terrified me and my hand rose once again to grip my crucifix tightly, but was it really any scarier now than it would be in two weeks time?

Edward was telling his parents tomorrow; did I really want to wait? All two weeks meant, was two weeks more waiting, two weeks more lying to everyone and myself, two weeks more of indecision and pain for all of us.

Leah had already waited for over two years for me; did I really want to make her wait two weeks more?

No, I decided. I didn’t. I wanted this over with now; I wanted to get it all out. I wanted to be who I was – Bella Swan, the gay daughter of Charlie Swan and Renee Dwyer.

My mind was made up, and raising my chin up, I strode determinedly towards our house and the ordeal I knew would be waiting for me within.

\--------------------

An hour later I was sat on a neighbour’s sofa, her arm around me, offering silent support as I dialled the familiar number. The keys on the phone blurred in front of me and I took deep, shuddering breaths as I fought to control myself enough to talk.

A loud bang echoed through the room as Mr Griffiths brought in another pile of my belongings, thrown out into the front garden by my enraged parents. His wife hugged me closer, her other hand holding the icepack up to the bruise that was rapidly forming across my cheekbone.

The line was picked up at the other end and I closed my swollen eyes in relief as the familiar voice greeted me.

“Leah, can you come and pick me up, please? I’m at my neighbours’ house across the road.”

I paused to take another deep breath.

“I told my mother.”


End file.
